Not-so-loved-and-taken-care-of cousin has been bugging me for a while now that we go out and party. I know she means well. She's my only cousin in my mother side who actually reaches out to me. One reason might be because we're of the same age but we have a totally. different. personality. Things which don't run in the blood. Drinking, smoking, partying, not to mention the f word, is just her kind of FUN, but definitely maybe not mine - or not anymore. Not that I'm coming clean or something, I have to admit I willingly did those things before, but I am supposed to be done on that phase of my teenage days and I am striving to become better.
So what happened was, I arrived at Dark Planet [the name of the place itself is already scary] at around 9PM after my masters class. The place was really really really warm that it made me less talkative than I already am. I was okay with the drinking, but not with smoking. I was really tempted to light a stick, but I promised myself that I will pass on this one as much as I can, bearing in mind that this discipline is for my graduate studies and probably for more individual-defining-principles. Those reasons were more valuable than my desire for temporary satisfaction. I just kept mum most of the time.
A quarter before midnight, after we have consumed two pitchers of Boracay, a mix of Tanduay and milo, cousin's fling came over bring his cousin with him as well. Cousin's fling whom she met in her sister's restaubar was goodlooking. I kind of understand why she can't resist him. Though it's hard, but it should still not be the reason to go on sleeping with him. Anyway, cousin's fling's cousin was a chinito, something which cousin knows I am very attracted to. Lol so yeah I admit that. Grr. So this guy has attempted to exchange a couple of messages before we could meet in person. Unfortunately that did not happen and wont happen anymore.
The guy's okay if I was looking for someone just to go out with. We were able to make a conversation but Im not sure if we can have thoughtful ones once we're in a normal restau setting. But he was dangerous. I mean his sweetness is dangerous and I've seen it before. Something which I don't want to happen ever again. Sure I ended up flirting with him and all, but he shouldn't made have made assumptive initiatives if he wanted to build a deeper connection. I would also prefer to go out with someone who would not encourage such kinds of misbehavior. Sure it might be fun but fun is not what I am looking for.
Until now, I cannot move on from their dancing moves. Or is it even correct to categorize what they did as dancing? Or may that was what they called twerking. Ugh. I have scandalized myself. I'm trying to make justice out of how they went about it but there's just nothing. Grinding down to the floor and grinding behind someone's i-don't-understand, even those two straight guys, was just not pleasing to look at. Something which I cannot bring myself to do. I was also sober at that time. That was after five pitchers of Boracay, a set Colt 45 and 2 RH Grandes. I only drank shots of Boracay and it already caused me headache. I really conclude that was because of the warmness of the place.
We were just drinking Boracay for the first part of the night. As it progressed, we transferred to the clubbing area of the place at around 1AM. I don't even want to describe how the place was or how the dancing went. I was too sober to distinctly do so. That was the time I gave away my sensible self. Though I did not allow myself to fully enjoy doing so, it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. Sometimes the things we do when we are out of our senses are the most which we cannot forget of. My companions didn't get enough yet, we went to Bai's at Mango to continue the party. Everyone's dancing moves became more intense that I wanted to melt! They were forcing me to join them. I was wishing for someone to come and save my face there.
Between choosing if I should scold them or walk away, I chose to watch them and drown in guilt. I was somewhat afraid that my cousin will take my inarteness negatively. I was more afraid of what I can do myself, unleashing human desires buried in my closet is what I don't want to resurface. Did I say we finished off drinking with another Grande after that? Yeah.
My energy got drained right after everything has happened. It was too fast for me. After we had breakfast, yes breakfast because "everything" ended at around 6AM, guy insisted in taking me home. I was so helpless that I agreed. He wanted us to sleep first and rest before I go home, I told him I'll literally jump off the cab we were riding on if he insisted in doing that. I got home safe. I was terrified my parents would kill me, but they didn't. They just scolded me the normal parent-got-worried scolding. There was no place to put my embarrassment but to sleep, and to the darkest corners of my soul.
I deliberately turned off my phone the entire day and deactivated my Facebook account after. I wanted mere peace. I wanted to understand, find myself and give logic to what just happened. I am aware of my irresponsibility. Right now, I am still thinking of the what if I did and didn'ts and what should be and what shouldn't be, maybe for the next time I'll encounter such crossroad again. </3
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So so, if I wasn't dreaming, manghud just texted me a random good-night-ate message last night after I turned on my phone before I went to sleep. I was still worried someone sent a matter-of-life-or-death message. But yeah, tell me that's just a coincidence that he messaged me after I needed so much comfort to face a new tomorrow? <3
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