Musing on the Ambivalence

I HAVE TO RESIGN IN THIS KIND OF JOB. Sooner than later, I have to. With the kind of life I want to live, that is an eminent fact. They said, there's no better time for change than NOW. Or not really. Word just got in from the great Bo. He said, stop comparing and start living! If I do this, I'd be happy to spend money I have not earned in whatever ways I wanted without having to feel guilty about it! Will that ever be possible.... 

Going back to this kind of job. I think it is totally a waste of time and talent to work just to earn money and not enjoy doing it. That for me is life lived to barely exist. I also know for a fact that it when someone is doing something, he should make the most out of it or give his best in doing the job to avoid regrets and maximize his potential. So the thing is, the evil lurking in my mind says that I haven't given my best in this job, the one which attempts to solve the phone calls coming from irate customers who thinks the world is against them just because they're not getting what they want. And I can't blame myself. I never want to work for those kind of people! Who does anyway? But here I am with the exact kind of job description which I am whining about. In the end, I could choose to love my job and make the most out of it. Or stop this madness and find the courage to do whatever is needed to have the world at my feet.  It takes a big leap of faith to embrace change. Great things come with change. And all great things never came easy. 

Or maybe I just overthink? I must submit my resignation letter. YES.

How Things Are Gonna Be Like

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So this is how things are gonna be like. I just hafta keep on checking this sweet damn thing so I'd have an idea where the waves will send him next. This is so not gonna be easy and I have never imagined falling for someone with anything to do like this - an indefinite LDR with a high risk kind of job. All I wanted was someone I can simply spend the rest of my life with..

I have this nick of ending stuffs when I don't see any use of it's prolonged existence, not even giving at least a second look back. Say how I didn't want to settle for anything less for the past, what?, four years..

But it's different this time. I wanna give this my best shot. A shot like I've never made before. Why? It might be because I saw a flicker of genuineness and sincerity from him and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt though we've only known each other for roughly three weeks before we became official. 

Sure I have constantly thought of losing hope if this relationship might even last for countless times with endless questions lingering around, as it is young and is so much vulnerable and prone to doubt. I can't be blamed. It's a natural emotion of a person whose heart has been played upon overtime. Okay, so I've got myself to blame for allowing that. And so I'm scared to give the wrong guy another precious chance and eventually get disappointed and break my heart again. I know myself well enough to know how far I'll go, and maybe sacrifice, for love.. It also doesn't help that I don't have a lot of people I can confide to, not that I need a lot of them anyway.

I have my hopes high that this LDR will work out, that we will find ways to keep in touch. Hence, I keep on convincing myself that it won't be so bad after all. That missing the person you chose to love would just be one of the perks. 

Example.. Kana ganing feeling nga super nka gimingaw sa pila na ka weeks without commu then one morning u rcv an iloveyou msg from him? astang wai kasudlan and kalipay and super kilig!! HAHAH K. And of course, that knowing he's safe pud. Pag nagka commu na, it really feels like the heaven is rejoicing when all doubts and uncertainties are being taken away just because of a simple affirmation and sincere assurance you've wanted to hear. I guess that alone can already compensate for the time that he was gone.. 

I love him and will do anything for our relationship to work ♥ :)

2nd Monthsary Skype Date ♥

PS. 

So, it goes like this, if heavens would allow, forever. Pila na pud ka tormenting days, or weeks or months, ko maglaum ug maghulat - with or without prior notice?! Hunahunaon nalang nako ang global warming, gender and development, quantitative research, statistics and probability, public ethics, deprived basic human rights, MDGs (hapit na raba 2015), youth org, from Tarryn Fisher to Malala Yousafzai and the guy named Rockstrom who worked his probably nonexistent social life to set standards for environmental management and business accountability which less than ordinary human beings haven't heard of, computer networking, dealing with hotels' crappy ISP and LPCs ug ang pagkaon sa pantry nga ugh, forced diet lang. All those among other things not essential enough to be listed though time consuming i.e. sleeping, eating, shopping, sleeping, eating and reading. Posting an absolute ranting stat in FB. Not to mention, learning how to drive in a 20kmph traffic and park smoothly for the nnnth try, all at the same time.

LOVE, I would like to believe, transcends communication and distance. Okay, fight! 💜

Mulling over and Being an LDR Newbie

Written below are my existent thoughts in print.
A prayer has been guiding me lately:

Dear Lord, please grant me SERENITY to accept what cannot be changed, COURAGE to persevere of what can be and WISDOM to know the difference..

My mind has been kind of distraught lately. I recently figured out it might be because of changes that are ever inevitable and my resistance to compensate. I have been contemplating for a while now on submitting my resignation to FUEL. Now that the Praise and Worship Concert has been successful, God's work was victorious after all, as it always have been. But the stained relationship I have with the rest of the coordinating body, the stained trust I have left for them and how we get along is not the same as what we once had. They're complicated people and as much as I try to figure them out, being superficially indulged becomes unnecessarily apparent from them. Sure I have to consider that they are also flawed, as much as I am, but egotism is something which I don't want to waste my time on. I've learned that we can doubt people, but when the intentions are purified, the Lord takes over and places everything in the right track. God chooses different kinds of people to serve Him. This difference should be taken to compliment each one's strength and weaknesses. To submit my resignation or just to forget about it, that, as I mentioned earlier, am still mulling over.

1st Christmas together circa 2011

I've learned that the world can never be perfect as much as we dream it to be and as it once was, but the Adam and Eve stuff had to take place and punishment should be realized. Imperfection is deliberate for us to be reminded to call on our Creator when things seem to go out of hand. Having to accept the fact that the person you chose to love, and fell in love with, will only be occasionally there beside you at times when you need him the most is not easy. The very first person you want to call when anything, however irrelevant happens, won't be there, maybe temporarily, to listen. Just when you're supposed to be happy that you've finally found someone whom you can see yourself spending time in the future with, unchangeable circumstances i.e. reality has to knock and say "Hey, enjoy the time that you're still together. He'll be back in the middle of the ocean anytime soon and you won't hear from him for a couple or three weeks again." Easy. Easier to get discouraged. But the amount of anticipation or love (yeah) however cheesy and cliche it may sound and whatever inexplicably auspicious emotion exists in between, is much greater than letting go of a treasured relationship. It sure does require a huge dose of faith, trust and patience but the reward is beyond comparable than it's cost. Cge nalang, I couldn't see myself with someone else other than this guy who lost me in his charm, wits, humor and principles :)

Heck, it has been barely a week since this LDR I have with the sailor guy but it already feels like forever! When he was still around, I already missed being with him in a nine hour span from work. I was giddy everyday for my shift to end. What more could happen during a two-three week duration before I could hear his voice again and a tormenting nine month before I could hold him again. To top that, this has to go on until death do us part! Assuming that we end up getting married in which we already made plans. Awwwwe. Some things are truly easier said than done. I've figured that the key is never to forget to look up and call upon His Name when things get rough. And a bunch of faith to face everyday being the best person one can be! xoxo

1st Skype Date on board <3

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I've just finished reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. Guilty to say, it was my first ever book read by the acclaimed author. I might have been too busy in the past but yeah. Well I've just rekindled my bookwormy self so Im'ma be reading tons of stuff from now. The Last Song brought me into tears, more tears that I have shed when I was reading The Fault in Our Stars. I endlessly cried starting from the part when Ronnie found out that her father was sick. From that chapter on up to the last page, I cannot keep my tears from falling even when I was taking calls. It was just soooo heart breakingggg! Perhaps it is inevitable that we try to relate our own stories with the characters in the book. I couldn't agree more about summer flings (sembreak / vacation fling - LOL) and a daughter's love to her parents. So yeah, I think I'll catch myself reading more books these days.. Goodreads is my favorite now! xoxo

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Last week, our monthly sched at work has been disseminated. I initially flunked in despair seeing my name at the 6PM shift. What have I done wrong? (Of course I know: I came to work tardy almost everyday for the past month and my relationship skills with ze workmates hasn't been at it's best just because I'm not into small talks, but still!) Good thing two other agents felt the same, at least for the sched part. Now I'm back to the 6AM shift! Hooray! The night diff could've been a bit tempting but the long term effects were far more valuable. I can still live a normal life being in the morning shift. I'm aware that I gotta be thankful with this perfect 6AM Fri-Sat rest day sched and should not take this for granted. It's just that everyday uncertainties takes it toll at times. Justifiably being needy, it still could've been better if boyf was around. xoxo

Words. Uncertainties. Complacency.

Writing is all know and probably all I ever will. Quotes are words we wanted to say ourselves. 

Nothing is making sense but relating to pages of books rather than actual daily existence. Yeah, most of my surroundings - work and organization/community related - bear me interest no more. Graduate studies gets me going. All I want to spend my time is with my unreachable boyf who is literally-in-the-middle-of-the-ocean-and-I-can't-complain-about-it, my aging parents who I should be pouring my attention to or ideally, spend time with my own beloved self and READ more.

Something is bothering which I don't want to acknowledge though taking the time to write about it means it sort of matters. I am bothered of what has to become and more of what to do in what will become so I won't be anxious and all fidgety and spaced out like what I am now. It bothers, whatever "it" is, because of the fact that life is composed of decisions per muscular movement based and those decisions should lead to making one's self relevant enough to take care of things which has far more relevance i.e. world peace. I don't even know what "it" is exactly about.

I suck at work: in the attendance and friend-making department. Like totally. I am tardy almost everyday and I'm usually offline in our company messenger. I'm okay with the technical stuff I guess; I am able to cope. But not at engaging someone in a coversation about it - which sucks 'coz I am looking forward to having a stimulating conversation with someone about computer networks and stuff.. But yeah, basically I am in the phase of not wanting to face reality heads on. Just me and my usual things-will-come-into-place complacency and the temptation to tell myself that I cannot decide on my own - which of course I am very capable of. Something tells me that I am better than what I think I am but I cannot find the spark of audacity so I can do better. What I know is that I need to improve on getting my attendance back on the right track and be more sociable maybe. Live more in the present than worry about the future or regret about the past? I'm not sure why I've been aloof lately thus ignoring people and other circumstances but I am also certain that I am not here to please anyone. 

Right, I need ze boyfriend just for the sole reason of his sheer existence.

xoxo

The Need to Go Back

I just got back to work from my four-day voice rest. I nearly didn't want to show up today! I guess I just had a great time during that "short" vacation. But of course I need to work now else I won't have any salary to keep me alive.

Basically, I spent those four-day "rest" with my beau, (ahh it feels good to say that!) who took care of me least I can ever imagine. If only there wasn't a need to think of the future, I could've cuddled with him thy kingdom come. Y'know not stay away from his side for what seems like forever. But let's go back to reality, we need to work our energy off to survive in this crazy world. Before I met this guy, all I wanted was to be of help to those who are less fortunate than I am. When he came, not that I lost that passion, but my priority seemed to drastically shift into making him happy. Everything else like career pursuance, higher education, organizational activities and all other stuffs seemed pretty less important - aside from my parents though, relatives and a few friends. Makes me just want to settle down...

We both have different orientation of how to perceive the world but it still boils down to being responsible enough to take care of your own self and those who are around us. 

My anxiousness to settle down rounds to the uncertainties of what has to come. 

• Giving up the organization I promised the Lord that I would serve, and of the disappointment I would get from my fellow officers if I leave them in the air (as much as I already want to) 
• Work, it's not as exciting. It has come to be very routinary and the vast scope induces very less enthusiasm. Whether it has something to do with my workmates or not, the absence of fulfillment wants me to go out and just explore. Did I mention I have issues with being attached to the people around me? Yeah.
• I really wanted to get involved in development work / research study / government participation and of the like. What's keeping me from doing that is, maybe, I don't know where to start. With the graduate studies of Public Management that I am taking up right now, I can't seem to come up with decent/acceptable-in-such-level requirements which are being asked from us. Most probably because I am not in the field yet and/or I don't have any background about the subject. That, or I just have less courage being carried around.
• Gettin' preggo. It is literally the last thing in my mind right now. 

Beau makes me very happy nowadays that I don't need to put the interest of others above mine. His mere presence gets me lost into another kind of dimension wherein I can pretend that it can be happily ever after by his side, just him and me, and that no amount of effort/hard work needs to be exerted. But of course we know there is. And such knowledge has to be credited to our friend named Reality. Reality of having to choose a daily decision in making the world a better place to be - in our own little responsible way. ♥